On Sleep

Oh this will sound funny to you. I know it will. I’m not alone in this, though I was alone when I wasn’t and wasn’t when I was. But now two have become one again and since we’re in the same house under the same roof all over again I’m not technically alone, so I don’t rightfully believe I’m alone when I say this (and if you’re wondering, I’m not alone when saying, or I suppose writing, this, as she sleeps next to me in the night with her heavy breathing and slight turn of the head at the noise I make quietly tapping away at the keys as every writer dreams).

What was I saying?

I’m not alone when I say this. The night comes all too quickly for those who wait until day to sleep and night to wake, even if what they yearn for above all is for it to be the opposite. But what can we do when night is day and day is night? Make the night day and the day night? No, for try as we may, we are social creatures, and while there are social creatures in the night, the night’s effervescent qualities diminish as the day comes and is totally wiped away by the time the sun has crept over the horizon and broadens its cast across the land.

Why must we sleep when it’s light and wake when it’s night? It’s a question many have pondered, as I have, during a lossless turn through the night, atop one’s bed lying alone by the gaze of none, as the rest have fallen asleep deep in their slumbers slumbering away through that deep but oh so sweet abyss that we must all catch once in a while. Like the reboot of a computer or the defrag of a hard drive. We must all be reset, preferably on a daily basis, though the best time is at night when the body is naturally prone to sneak a peak at the great beyond. But what about those of us who find it slipping through our grasp, lying awake while the whole world sleeps? 

We don’t really think the whole world sleeps while we lie awake do we? Think about it and you quickly realize it’s not possible. The whole world sleep? At the same time? In the middle of the day in Australia?

It’s funny how, even with all our knowledge and awareness of the world beyond our door, the world out there that’s always happening, Twittering and Livefeeding and streaming the day away, we still always find ourselves stuck in ourselves, unable to truly grasp the great beyond that’s beyond our awareness. For if we could grasp beyond our awareness, we’d no longer be aware of that which we are grasping, let alone the awareness we had to grasp beyond it.

Do you see?

It’s 12:31 at night (I almost wrote in the morning but who am I kidding? night has just begun and I’m not even there yet (to mourn out the calling)) and I’m tempted to go to bed. You see, I’ve been doing much better lately with this problem millions of us find ourselves in year in and year out. Lately, I’ve found myself sleeping better than I have in years. I have my understandings of it, but I don’t know if they stand up to reason. Because my habit is so long and so old and strong that I’m always afraid of falling back into it, especially because we’re only talking a matter of several weeks in which I’ve been able to sleep better for the most part than I did for the previous fifteen (or more?) years. But it’s 12:34 now and I’m ready to drift off. Or at least begin to try. And yet I’ve written 152 (now 158) words since 12:31 and I don’t want to stop because I haven’t even begun writing what I was going to say and I know that it won’t be the same in the light of day so onwards I musk! Although really, I don’t know about that.

My problems lately have been the opposite, as I’ve said, of previous. Years and years and years agone I went on and on in the night, like so many before and since, unable to fall asleep and I’m beginning to understand a little better now what was going on then and why it’s better now though not entirely as I’ve said just recently that it’s a habit I’m always wondering when it will come back but I try not to think about it too much because that too is also part of the habit and going down the rabbit hole and not coming out until morning, or even worse the following week or month when I’m finally able to get a really good knock out in the park one night dead to the world and wake up the next day totally shnockered to my brain out in left field I am but it’s great because I don’t know what’s going on but that’s not true because in that state I know that only one thing could have happened to get to the amazing state of blitzed and that’s from a truly beautiful defrag of the mind that only a reset in the night could provide. And so I go through the morning drugged and dead to the world, trying to hold on to it for as long as I can but the simple act of trying to hold on to it only chases it away faster and then when it’s gone and I wake from my stupor the adrenaline comes pouring back in only worse because it’s been gone all night and morning and so to make up for lost time it works double time and has a whole body to cleanse itself with and muscles that were once weary and worn from always being tensed and anxious are freshly relaxed and renewed to start the process all over again and so this vicious combination makes for a brutal rest of the afternoon and into night and then the cycle starts all over again.

It’s the fear that really does it for me and I don’t think I’m alone when I say this. 

Taking taking always taking. Away it goes and never replacing. As I’ve said, I’ve begun to come to an understanding recently that I didn’t insight previously and have only just begun to incite its embers. But if you trust me (and I assure you shouldn’t), follow along and see where we go.

Now see here. Fear takes many forms. Imagine yourself in a cave. It’s dark. A long time ago. Ancient times even. Prehistory. Dinorassic. The land before time. There we go. Now imagine you’re in a cave with two others and you’re all chained down. You’re stuck there. You’re a prisoner, as are they. There’s nothing you can do. There’s no one to come rescue you. You three are the only ones that exist for there is no existence for there is no time. There is only you. And them. But mainly you. And when you find yourself there it’s dark. Very dark. It’s a cave after all and you can’t see. There’s no light for there’s no electricity and not even fire. We’re not there yet. But suppose we arrive there. Suppose you find yourself, as this prisoner with two other prisoners, chained down to the ground in this unbearable depth of emptiness that is this cave. And yet you can’t even comfort yourself with the knowledge that this is indeed a cave, for how could you? There’s no light. And darkness breeds darkness. And this is all you know.

For years you and your fellow inmates exist like this in a subtle yet real form. You lie there, day after day and night after night, not knowing whether it be night or day, not knowing that any of it exists for you never saw the light of day to call it night. If this is all you know, then what is day even? And even in darkness, can you really know night if you know not day? I think not. But let’s keep going.

After years and years of knowing nothing but the sound of your breathing and perhaps a conversation here and there with your fellow prisoners, the smell of the musty air, the feel of the moist rock and sand beneath you and all around you, after years and years of having never used your eyes and only your other senses, wreaking of mess, fire brings to light all the darkness you had bred within for so long and without and now is gone but not actually for it’s only just begun. But we’ll get there eventually.

And yes. Perhaps you already knows how this goes. But if you do, you don’t. So  come along, for we’re getting closer to the beginning.

So yes. Now we have fire. Not only can you hear and smell and feel and taste, you can see! And oh how glorious it is. For seeing truly is believing. What you once only thought using imagination, now you can firmly believe as fact because it’s there in front of you. Nevermind that all you see is the wall in front of you. Nevermind that it is blank save for the cracks and crevices, creases and creaks. Nevermind that there is nothing else you can see around you, for you are chained and shall forever remain. It has all changed, you are set free! for all that was darkness is now in light for you and that is all you wished.

So yes. We are free. We are free from that bitter darkness everlasting in the depths of our nights. We are free from the dank death of sweet slumber we muster every night. We are free to be and see all that there might be. And so we sit. And we watch. And at first we’re so blinded by the light that we are numb to reality, numb to facts, numb to everything but that which is right in front of us. But we, being creatures of habit, we eventually get used to this. We are bound by the laws of nature, are we not? And one of the laws of nature surely is that of homeostasis and so by and by we grow used to the light, we grow used to the creaks and creases and crevices and cracks, we forget about all those years being blind in the darkness with nothing to see but that which our own selves wrought. And soon we grow bored. And restless. And even a little agitated. For what good is it to see if there’s nothing for us to see? What good is the light if all that is shown to us is that nothing is there?

So no. It’s not just the light we crave. We need something more. Something unique. Something alive. And of course, that’s where the shadows come in.

Now the shadows, of coarse, are reel. It’s obvious we all agree. But what we don’t agree on is the outcome. Now perhaps the fax are all ready in and wee all ruddy know all their ist o no about this.

But perhaps not. Perhaps there’s more to it if you were to just work it out. The wall. Of course it’s there. The prisoners, of course they’re there. And you. Of course you’re here. We’re all agreed on that. But why aren’t the shadows real? Is it because they’re made up? Or is it because we want them to be made up? We want them to be false and inaccurate and to betray us because that’s what life is about, is it not? If the shadows were in fact real, then what would all the rest be for? Nothing.

But of course they’re false. Because they’re not even themselves. They’re a shadow of a doubt, although I do beg to differ with the idea that a doubt can cast a false shadow for I doubt I have seen one before that ever stood up to the test of time. But we’ll save that for another time.

So these shadows. You see them on the wall, as do your fellow prisoners. At first you were frightened by them. How could you not?! While darkness and the falseness of empty light were boring and agitating and agonizing, at least it was you and only you. This was your world! Although you could neither grasp it nor see it beyond the wall in front of you, it was all yours and only yours. But now with this new movement, these dark shadows of movement dancing across your visions, you are blindsided to the fact that you are not alone and never were! There’s an entire world beyond you, even if it’s here with you, that you must shield yourself from. They are frightful things no longer delightful to the sight fulling you up from below. And so at first you shrink from them, hoping yourself to be agitated enough to make believe this to be happening only to save yourself from boredom. But here they are, they keep coming, and in all shapes and sizes we have them from one and all here you go! It’s a wonder you never saw them before.

Not really though. Because of course these are the shadows we’re talking about. Remember? It’s too well known to not so of course you do. So let’s skip past all the rest of it to get to the heart of it. For it’s darkness all around you know but only a matter of time.

So being freed. Is it really all that freeing? To be free from the chains of darkness, from the depths of the cave, to have left the fire and the wall behind and come into the light, to have traversed the travails of blindness and grown accustomed to the brightness of day, real day, are we always and ultimately better off?

Perhaps yes. But my sleep begs to differ. For once I stepped out of that prison and into the daylight, rarely has there been a time when I haven’t looked back and wondered whether I’m not in that cave all over again. For if it happened once, who is to say it’s not happening again? And again? And again, perpetually down to the bottom, wherever that may be, that lies the foundation of Turtle Island. And in this thought, in this time of looking back, I often think back to the times in that cave as a prisoner when I knew no better and yet knew better than I know now. For once I stepped out of that cave, I left reality altogether and found myself only in myself. And if I am only myself, how can any of it be real? Even reality? It can’t! And that’s the whole point.

But the point of the imprisoning cave and the shadows and tumble into daylight is not to see absolute truth, for it’s impossible, at least when considered in this light. But that’s where I’ve begun to find my rest is in this realization that the cave and the shadows weren’t just false night waiting for day. They were and are real just as much as the puppets and creatures that make the shadows. The darkness that is formed by the lack of light is just as real and just as important as that which is blocking the light. For there is something in the void that there never can be in light: a lack of light. And if there can be a lack of light, then there can be a lack of night, and the night therefore can be not so bad after all in the light of day. And this is what has finally gotten me to sleep better than I have in years. Rather than fear the light of day and the depths of night, embrace them both, but especially the night, for the light of day is easy to see and be in, but the night in the depths of the cave with its shadows, once the light of day is known, can be difficult to accept as real just as well as that of day. But rather than say one is true and the other is false and live in the in-between and always searching for that which is never there, always looking back behind you, wondering whether it be or be it not, why not find what is already there, has always been there, right in front of you the whole time and just let it enter as itself and just be?

You see?